The upside of the Kardashians’ midnight Marina del Rey fireworks show: Another reason to despise them
By Tony Peyser
One of the most stunning events in Westside history was the Great Los Angeles Air Raid on Feb. 24 and 25, 1942, an overnight attack on the City of Angels by the Japanese that resulted in an unforgettably explosive anti-artillery barrage. Cooler heads at the time (and historians since) downgraded “The Battle of Los Angeles” to false-alarm status and merely an “alleged” attack. The panic was understandable, since Pearl Harbor had happened just a few months earlier and everybody across the nation was just a tad jittery.
There hasn’t been a similar moment of local beachside panic in many decades, but last Tuesday night gave us a contender. Even as the smoke is still clearing, it’s already achieved a kind of greatness: allowing us to hate the Kardashians even more. They (not the Japanese) were behind last week’s unexpected and initially scary as hell eight-minute midnight fireworks show just off Marina del Rey.
The collectively brain-dead publicity-hungry clan was reportedly on a boat in local waters celebrating the 26th birthday of Houston Rockets shooting guard James Harden. This whole shebang — enormous explosions that woke and freaked out thousands of area residents, their kids and household pets — was at the behest of Harden’s girlfriend, Khloe Kardashian. The dreaded Kim, Kanye, Kylie and Kris were also on board for the festivities.
For the uninitiated — and, God, do I envy you — if the Kardashians were the Marx Brothers, Khloe would be Zeppo. If the Kardashians were the Baldwins, she wouldn’t be Alec (the successful one), Billy (the best-looking one) or Stephen (the right-wing one), but Daniel (the black sheep one).
This latest episode seems to suggest a heretofore unknown connection between Marie Antoinette and the Kardashians: “Let them eat cake,” meet “Let them get the crap scared out of them for our amusement.”
Why should people quietly asleep or relaxing at home in the late evening thoughtlessly get in the way of the Kardashians latest attempt at an attention-grabbing good time? They’re clearly addicted to being in headlines every second of the day, and with this latest stunt they’ve either become more desperate to keep that high going or have become so out of touch with reality that no one else matters.
Putting on an unannounced, colossally large fireworks show that scares the bejesus out of large numbers of folks suggests that we’ve officially reached The Next Kardashian Level.
What’s coming next from the Kardashians to an unsuspecting public?
Perhaps they’ll demolish a condemned skyscraper without warning, having cocktails and canapés on hand in a nearby office building as they watch the little ants below — you know, us — frantically freak out as the building implodes and everyone runs for cover. What fun!
Maybe they’ll paralyze the 405 during the late afternoon rush hour because they want to have the first ever tented party on a local freeway.
Predictably, the Sheriff’s Department and the Coast Guard are pointing fingers so much over who should have been in charge of preventing those fireworks that they should all be wearing Kareem-style goggles to avoid eye injuries. Los Angeles County Supervisor Don Knabe is launching an official investigation into the incident, but I’m expecting nothing more than some of your basic wrist-slapping.
Since accountability is out of the question, it comes down to something more basic: revenge. Let’s arm ourselves with a smart phone app mimicking those vuvuzela plastic horns that were made famous during the 2010 World Cup soccer championship. These horrifying horns make a singularly hideous sound. Have your smart phone ready at all times, because at some point one of us is going to run into some Kardashians. That’s when you suddenly play your vuvuzela app in their direction and delight as it makes the worst racket imaginable.
When Kim, Khloe, Kylie, Kris or Kanye wildly complain, tell them to lighten up because you’re celebrating your boyfriend’s or girlfriend’s birthday. If they still protest, crank your vuvuzela app up even louder. Be sure also to record their irate reaction on your smart phone and then quickly upload it to YouTube.
Such a gesture is selfish, immature and unbelievably annoying — but, hey, we learned from the best.